Fry Day Funnies

JESUS AND THE LABOR SUPPORTER

A 'liberal', in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The 'Liberal looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the 'Liberal' requested that she give Jesus a cup of hot chocolate, on him.

The next patron to come in was a 'Bob Katter' supporter, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the 'Bob Katter' supporter asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea,
"my treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a 'Labor' supporter on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a beer?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the 'Labor' supporter directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the 'Liberal, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The 'Liberal' felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the 'Bob Katter' supporter, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The 'Katter' supporter felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the 'Labor' supporter, just smiling. The 'Labor' supporter jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me .... I'm on a disability pension."

New Car Model....

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for woman....



Mixing the Renault "Clio" and the Ford "Taurus" they have designed the "Clitaurus"

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, it can be a bitch to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn it over.

New models are initially are fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it when it becomes troublesome.

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book !!”

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’"
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”


Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough."

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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, grabbed him,
swam to the surface and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered
her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond
to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that
your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right
after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..

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A man walks into a Parliament office and says to the receptionist,


"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be a Green M.P.

The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''

He was filling the form OK until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?''

So he asked the receptionist, "Is this question necessary?"

She replied, "If you are circumcised you are not eligible."

He then asked, "What difference does it make if I am circumcised?"

She replied, "To become a Green MP you have to be a complete dick."

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I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside was a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.

On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession,

but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."


He replied, "You moron, you're in my box.”

Job Interview...

Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England.
She was looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.
They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.
She says to them: “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen."

After they show her their ankles, the Queen says: “It is also important that you don’t have knobby knees, so I need to see your knees too.”

Once she has seen their knees, she says: “Now everything appears to be in shape, so I just need to see your testimonials.”

Nine years later, when the pair are finally released from prison, one of the blokes says to the other:
”I reckon, if we just had a bit more education we would have got that job!"

Teacher Arrested At Sydney Airport - Held in Isolation.

A secondary school teacher was arrested today at Sydney's Kingsford Smith Airport as
he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a
protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a press conference, an Australian Border Control spokesman said he believes him
to be a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the
man, who has been charged by the Federal Police with carrying weapons of maths
instruction.
'Al-Gebra can be a problem for all of us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of
absolute values. They maintain secrecy by using secret codenames such "X" and "Y"
and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.'
As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are three sides to every
triangle".
When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Bill Shorten said - "If God
had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us
more fingers and toes."
Fellow Labor colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or
profound statement by the Opposition Leader.

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you, I've been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?' "

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

“I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”

Dave Feherty

He once said, "It would be easier to pick a broken nose, than a winner in
that group."

A few choice Dave Feherty quotes are below. If you watch golf on TV, he's
often an announcer with a distinct Northern Ireland accent and a colourful
way of putting things. He finds very unique and uninhibited ways of explaining
or describing whatever is on his mind

"Fortunately, Rory is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the
strongest muscle in his body."

"That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in
bacon."

"I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week. He is attending the
birth of his next wife."

Jim Furyk's swing "looks like an octopus falling out of a tree."

Describing VJ Singh's prodigious practice regime - "VJ hits more balls than
Elton John's chin."

(I thought I was going to hurt myself laughing at that one.)

"That's a great shot with that swing."

"It's OK - the bunker stopped it."

At Augusta 2011

"It's just a glorious day. Th a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day
like this would be to play golf on it."

"That was a great shot - if they'd have put the pin there today."

"Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a
balloon near the edge of a cliff."

"That green appears smaller than a Pygmie's nipple".

bill

FIRST QUESTION:

YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE
THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIMEAS
YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?

SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
(SCROLL DOWN)

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE.....
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??

YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?


THIRD QUESTION:
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:
THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
TRY IT.

TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?


SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU GET 5000?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT.... MAYBE...



FOURTH QUESTION:
MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:

1. NANA,2. NENE,3. NINI,4.. NONO, AND ???
2 WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
HER NAME IS MARY!READ THE QUESTION.