Fridie funnies ?

Being an old fella, I have to tell you, "I resemble" all of the above

Not sure if this one's been done before - but here goes:

DIARY OF A POM IN MT ISA

August 31st
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Mount Isa, Queensland!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th:

Really heating up. Got to 35 today.
Not a problem.
Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain.
No more mowing lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th

The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th:

Fell asleep by the pool.
Got 3rd degree burns over 60% my body.
Missed 3 days of work.
What a dumb thing to do, learned my lesson though.
Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th:

I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat bleep . I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bleep in blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th:

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $300,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why did I ever come here?

November 4th:

It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid bleep in place.

November 8th:

If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?"
I'm going to bleep in throttle him.
bleep in heat! By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin bleep in wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th:

Tried to run some messages after work.
Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my bleep in arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my bleep in arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat

November 10th:

The weather report might as well be a bleep in recording.
Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and bleep in sunny.
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn bleep in place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bleep in pool. Even the palms can't live in this bleep in heat.

November 14th:

Welcome to HELL!!!
Temperature got to 41 today.
Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car.
The repairman came to fix it and said,
"Hot enough for you today?"
My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my arse out of jail for assulting the stupid bleep er. bleepMount Isa! What kind of a sick demented bleep in idiot would want to live here?

December 1st:

WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are bleep in kiddin

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck,

"Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too, been in and out of puddles all
day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be
Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."

===================================================
This is worth doing just follow the instructions
...............................................................

Subject: SEPT 11
>>
>>.....
>>
>> >>
>> >>11 has come to be a very interesting number. It could be a forced
>> >>coincidence, but in any case this is interesting. You decide for
>> >>yourself
>> >>1. New York City has 11 letters.
>> >>2. Afghanistan has 11 letters.
>> >>3. Ramsin Yuseb (the terrorist who threatened the Twin Towers in
>> >>1993) has 11 letters.
>> >>4. George W. Bush has 11 letters.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>This could be a mere coincidence (could it be?) now here is what
>> >>is interesting
>> >>1. New York is State No. 11.
>> >>2. The first plane which crashed into the Twin Towers was flight
>> >>no. 11
>> >>3. Flight no. 11 was carrying 92 passengers, adding this number
>> >>gives 9+2=11
>> >>4. Flight no. 77 which also hit the towers was carrying 65
>> >>passengers, adding this 6+5=11
>> >>5. The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11, adding this 9+1+1=11
>> >>6. The date is equal to the emer! gency number 911, adding this
>> >>9+1+1=11
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>Now we have a very upsetting piece.
>> >>1 The total number of passengers inside the planes are 254:
>> >>2+5+4=11
>> >>2. The day September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year:
>> >>2+5+4=11
>> >>3. After September 11 there are 111 days more to the end of the
>> >>year.
>> >>4. The tragedy of 3/11/2004 in Madrid also adds to: 3+1+1+2+4=11
>> >>5. The tragedy in Madrid happened 911 days after the tragedy of the
>> >>Twin Towers.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>FINALLY The freakiest bit of all!!
>> >>1. Open up a blank Word document.
>> >>2. Type Q33 NY in capitals (this is the flight number of the first
>> >>plane to hit the World Trader Center gate Q33 @ NY (New York)
>> >>3. Highlight Q33 NY
>> >>4. Change the font size to 48.
>> >>5. Change the actual font to Wingdings.
>> >>
>> >>NOW YOU 're FREAKED!!!!

======================================================
Dear Husband
>>
>> I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
>>
>> I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
>> for it. These last two weeks have been hell.
>>
>> Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was
>> the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had
>> gotten my hair and nails done, cooked
>> your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
>>
>> You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
>> watching the game.
>>
>> You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
>>
>> Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case
>> is, I'm gone.
>>
>> P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
>> away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
>>
>> Your EX-Wife
>>
>>
>> .The saga continues.....
>>
>> Dear Ex-Wife
>>
>> Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
>> It's true that you and I have been married for seven years,
>> although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
>>
>> I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging.
>> Too bad that doesn't work.
>>
>> I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week,
>> the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!"
>>
>> My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say
>> anything nice.
>>
>> When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten
>> me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork
>> seven years ago.
>>
>> I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee
>> because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a
>> coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that
>> morning and your negligee was $49.99.
>>
>> After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
>>
>> So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars,
>> I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home
>> you were gone.
>>
>> Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling
>> life you always wanted.
>>
>> My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from
>> me.
>> So take care.
>>
>> P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
>> Carla.
>> I hope that's not a problem.
>>
>> Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

sorry if some have been posted before.....

wish you all a merry xmas and a happy and safe new year

P.s.thanks for the intresting reading, laughs and advice through the year

Regards and best wishes
Ross

Irritations in life

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time..
I know where my watch is pal, where the bleep is yours? Do
I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

When people say while watching a film "did you see that?"
No tosser, I paid $10 to come to the cinema and stare at the
bleep ing floor.
>
>
>
Quote of the Decade: "Computer games don't affect kids;
I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids,
we'd all be running around in darkened rooms,
munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music."
Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989
>
>
>
So you think your life is bad
Then think about the life of an egg
You only get laid once
You only get eaten once
It takes u 4 minutes to get hard and 2 to get soft
You have to share a box with 11 other guys
And the only chick who ever sat on your face was ur mum

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . .



and



A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Australia great, (not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.



(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.



This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)



Kind regards

NickR

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells
him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever
sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because
no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most
valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job
at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he
wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sheit."

An old geezer goes to the doctor for a medical. The doc says "You've got 2 things wrong with you"
"First, you've got Alzheimers Disease"
"Oh no", says the old geezer. "What's the second thing?"
"Well, you've also got cancer"
"Cancer!" says the geezer."Oh well, it could be worse...I could have Alzheimers Disease"

Merry Christmas to All!!!!

Greg.
Bribie Island..

Hey Bob, you won't believe what happened !!!!!

I won a trip for me and 10 mates to go around the world to any place I want for 6 nights all expenses paid and $5000 each spending money.

AND, considering you and me go back so long and know each other so well, I was wondering if you could put my bin out on sunday night. te he